Training, teeth and leadership

It has become glaringly clear that this household is very firmly led by one small and infirm creature.  Her stiff legged strut says more in a second then days, weeks and months of my reasoning, begging and hysterical breakdowns.  How is it, I muse, that she so quietly and undeniably holds court? 

Lilly, now also known as Toothless Wonder or Passion Gap went in for a dental today.  It is times like these that I am grateful that dogs lack relevant vocal skills as well as the frontal cortex essential for abstract thought, for if Lilly believed in the Tooth Fairy, I would be seriously out of pocket!

You see, our benevolent leader has a heart condition.  For the past few months we have been locked in a constant battle between Lilly's love of junk food (alternately offered by The Long Suffering Man of the house and her doting grandmother) and a juggling act of diuretics, heart beat stabilisers and blood thinners.  Sometimes the pills win, sometimes the junk wins.  Who am I to deny an old lady her treats?  I am now convinced that if someone had to run a tox screen on Lilly they would discover more chemicals in her blood stream then in the Mummy of Nefratiti!  There are times, when pondering the inevitable disposal of her body, that I become concerned about whether cremation is the right solution.  Am I really willing to add so heavily to the massive amounts of chemicals pumped into the air on a daily basis.  Burying her is out of the question, there is the ground water table to think of!

I digress.  So, Lilly has a dicky ticker and due to the vet not being willing to touch her with anesthesia until her health is up to par, we have unfortunately let her teeth get to a point that I would not happily admit.  So, the vet has pulled six of them.  It is my sad duty to inform you that no where on Gods green earth can one find a grill for a Toy Pom mix.  Yes folks, there is a massive gap in the market for these if anyone needs a suitable business idea!

The observations I have made today are as follows.  Apparently this house turns into a morgue of monumental proportions when Lilly is not around.  How can an animal that could easily be used as a door stop inspire so much joy in three dogs?  I have no clue!  After she left, the household went from casual nervousness to lethargy to me considering the purchase of a stethoscope to check for signs of life.  These are three, young and vital dogs I am talking about here.  Three young and vital dogs of two notoriously high energy breeds!

In order to drum up some enthusiasm in the ranks I decided some training might help.  This is what got me thinking about how much training has changed.  Years ago I would have slapped on a choke chain and proceeded to gently coerce the animal into listening to me, and when I say gently I mean quite possibly cause irreversible trachea damage in an animal that does not speak "Bald Ape".

So, today I find myself tackling the issues of The Stairs of Doom.  Sally, having grown up in a back yard on a farm is quite convinced that Satan himself lives in the stair well.  Stairs are approached by hurling yourself maniacally up or down them with what appears to be very little use of legs.  How she gets this right?  I don't know.  It is quite a sight to see me carrying a stiff as a board border collie up and down a rather long flight of stairs.  Today I have decided that she must learn to climb them. 

The result?  I have just spent the past two hours laying on the stairs (which becomes quite uncomfortable considering they are tiles) cooing and babbling like some sort of mental home escapee.  Sally finds this all rather amusing and will stand at the bottom of the stairs and wag her tail and I plunge treat after treat into her mouth.  I am convinced she finds me quite insane.

What does not help is the fact that I train amongst a school of piranha.  It is very hard to Hansel and Gretel your slightly amused and mostly worried border collie up the stairs when you have to fend off two deranged Papillons desperate for a nom of the liver treats on offer.  It is times like this where I am greatly relieved that we do not have CCTV surveillance cameras installed in my house.  What would have been filmed would have been more YouTube worthy then a sneezing panda.  There I lie, perched precariously on sharp edged steps, babbling away, laying down treat after treat for the poor bemused animal (who it must be noted, is still quite convinced that the plot of Drag Me To Hell will be played out on this very stair well with her as the heroine) all the while fruitlessly trying to fend off two very small, very agile dogs.  I can only imagine how quickly the divorce proceedings would happen if Long Suffering Man were to walk in.  He is not entirely convinced of my sanity as it is and that may just tip him over the edge.       

So, it is with joy and a light heart that I announce, in just under and hour I get to go and fetch our benevolent leader. 
Lilly, my girl, I need you!!!!